Tuesday Tirade: Unicorns Don’t Pay LPs. Cash Does.

Most VC pitches sound the same:

- "We’ve backed 5 unicorns."
- "Our portfolio is worth $X billion."
- "We’ve marked our book up 3x."

Cool story. But here’s the stat most never say out loud:

👉 DPI (Distributions to paid in capital). Translation: cash actually returned to LPs. Because when you peel it back:

- TVPI (total value to paid in) is vanity.
- Paper returns are theater.
- DPI is the only scoreboard that matters.
- A $500M fund with $50M actually distributed isn’t a success story. It’s an expensive hobby.

And let’s be clear: some venture capital firms are great. They build real companies, create real outcomes, and deliver real distributions. But most? Most look good on stage, talk about unicorns, raise bigger funds… and never actually return capital.

Here’s the ugly truth: Unicorn hunting makes VCs look great on paper. LPs get left holding the bag.

The industry rewards AUM, not distributions.

LPs brag about who they’re in with - but almost never ask the only question that matters...

When do I get my money back?

Founders build companies.
LPs provide capital.
VCs are supposed to return it - with multiples.

Until success is measured by DPI, not TVPI, the industry will keep paying for vanity and punishing the people who fund it.